The 13 Best Albums of 2007

13. Dashboard Confessional- The Shade of Poison Trees- This album marked Chris Carrabba’s much desired return to his roots, acoustic emo ballads. One thing is for sure; Carrabba’s life has changed a lot since 2001, the year of the release of his greatest record, The Places You Have Come To Fear The Most. Though these tracks are as soft and tuneful as the one’s on that great record, the subject matter (and probably his fan base) has changed significantly, one needs to listen only to the first track ‘Where There’s Gold’, to be sure, a very good song, however, it’s about an actress and her pursuit of meaning in life, it may sound the same, but it’s harder for us “normal people” to relate to this record in any conventional sense. There are still some great tracks here, but the similarities between The Shade… and Places end with the instrumentation. Best Tracks: ‘Where There’s Gold’ and ‘The Shade of Poison Trees’

12. Modest Mouse- We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank- There are a number of very good tracks on this CD, but like their last album, Good News For People Who Love Bad News, this album took a while to grow on me. It is quite plausible that if I were to revisit this list in one year (something I assure you I won’t do), I’ll unearth some other gems on this CD and fall in love with new songs that didn’t catch my ear until the third or forth listen, kind of like ‘Bukowski’ and ‘Dance Hall’ on Good News. Best Tracks: ‘Dashboard’ and ‘Missed the Boat’

11. Eisley- Combinations- Another much awaited follow-up, Eisley’s Combinations fell short of their stunning debut, Room Noises. The dreamscapes that they created on Room Noises are replaced here by more straightforward rock. As always, the girls of Eisley shine through their winsome vocal styling, unfortunately, their creative approach to songwriting took a backseat to what some might say is a ploy to attract more mainstream fans. The jury is still out on whether this worked, nonetheless, Combinations is still a very good album, still for those expecting Room Noises #2, don’t look here. Best Tracks: ‘If You’re Wondering’ and ‘Go Away’

10. Streetlight Manifesto- Somewhere in the Between- After a brilliant debut, Everything Goes Numb, Streetlight sidetracked themselves by remaking the classic Catch 22 album Keasby Nights. This was an effort by preeminent Streetlight member, Thomas Kaloney, to take back the songs he wrote from his former band (as he says on a track from Everything Goes Numb, “If you hate me so much then stop singing my songs.”). The best thing about Streetlight in comparison to Catch 22 is that they explore each song for longer, adding a very attractive element to the full album. Here, they shave some of that time, but retain all the essential elements that make Streetlight the most vital ska band today (fanboys are even mistakenly claiming that this album will usher in the fourth wave of ska, keep dreaming). Best Tracks: ‘We Will Fall Together’ and ‘The Receiving End of It All’

9. Kayne West- Graduation- Kayne continues to be the most original artist in mainstream rap, brining in fans from all over. His collaboration with Daft Punk on one of the biggest tracks of the year, ‘Stronger’ illustrates that point well. You’ll also hear Coldplay’s Chris Martin on Kayne’s love letter to Chicago, ‘Homecoming.’ The best thing about Kayne is that you never know what you’ll get next, which makes the first spin through Graduation exhilarating. Though the album fails to offer that level of excitement on subsequent listens, that feat is almost impossible. This is the perfect record for this point in Kayne’s career, and as always, I can’t wait to see what he does next. Best Tracks: ‘Stronger’ and ‘Can’t Tell Me Nothing’

8. The New Amsterdams- At the Foot of My Rival- Another solid release from former Get Up Kid, Matt Pryor’s workmanlike primary project, The New Amsterdams. This sizable release contains a number of very good songs, as well as some forgettable ones. Sometimes, I wish Pryor would focus a little more on the components that go in to some of the better New Ams songs, the understated guitar, a bit of piano and memorable lyrics. Sometimes I think Pryor gets a little to fancy with the New Ams, something he probably couldn’t do as part of the more pop-sensible Get Up Kids songwriting team. Also, at this rate it seems like Pryor is releasing a new New Ams album yearly, if he took a little more time to focus on some of the better songs, say on the last 2 albums, Story Like a Scar and At the Foot of My Rival, he could combine those two, pick the ten best tracks and have a very classic album. It seems crazy to complain that one of my favorite bands is too aggressive in releasing albums, but I really do believe that better judgment and more patience would serve the band well. Best Tracks: ‘Lay on the Rail’ and ‘ Story Like a Scar’

7. Tegan & Sara- The Con- Produced by Death Cab for Cutie’s Chris Walla, this album was my first foray into the land of Tegan & Sara. Most of the songs on the lesbian twin sisters’ album are superb. Without any previous reference point, I was able to enjoy much of what this band has to offer, they have very unique, sharp vocal styling and they do both straightforward rock, but also aren’t afraid to experiment with song arrangement as well as lyrics. Great record. Best Tracks: ‘The Con,’ ‘Are You Ten Years Ago’ and ‘Soil, Soil’

6. O.A.R.- Live at Madison Square Garden- I’ve still yet to purchase an O.A.R. studio album, but as long as they continue to put out live albums, I’ll continue to buy them. The only possible thing that I can say negative about this record is that this is the worst live version of ‘That Was A Crazy Game of Poker,’ that has been on any of the three live records. That said, it’s not that bad. Everything else here is great, from songs that have been on the live records before, like ‘Black Rock’ and ‘Hey Girl’ to songs that are new to the live CD, the haunting ‘James’ and ’52-50.’ Best Tracks: ‘Heard the World,’ ’52-50’ and ‘James’

5. Jimmy Eat World- Chase This Light- Jimmy Eat World followed Futures with this very solid release. Sometimes it seems like Jimmy Eat World doesn’t break new ground as far as subject matter and music style is concerned. This is true, however, they are damn good at what they do, and although they don’t reinvent themselves, they still now how to put together a very good track. There might not be any ‘The Middle’ here. There sure isn’t a new ‘Work,’ however these guys continue to write very good music. Though the first single, ‘Big Casino,’ left something to be desired, these guys were never really about singles. There are plenty of standout tracks here, and when they do divert from the Jimmy Eat World songwriting style, on ‘Here It Goes’ they do it effectively without pretension. Unfortunately, the best tracks here can easily be compared to some of Jimmy Eat World’s all-time best songs, and the new one’s just don’t stand up, ‘Dizzy’ plays the role of ‘23’ here, and though it is a great track with several great moments, it falls short of the plateau that ‘23’ reached. ‘Electable (Give It Up)’ has been compared to ‘Sweetness,’ a tough measuring stick for any song. Because of the strength of their back catalogue, this album doesn’t seem as good as it probably is. Best Tracks: ‘Dizzy,’ ‘Let It Happen’ and ‘Always Be’

4. Rilo Kiley- Under the Blacklight- Probably the most unexpected sounding release of 2007. When you have faith in a band, you generally give them room to make the music they want to make and hope that if they take a new direction, it opens your eyes. Though this album may have done that for some fans, to many this was a travesty. I like the new direction, though I’ve only ever listened to their previous record, More Adventurous and nothing before that. I can appreciate how let down some Rilo Kiley fans must feel. That said, I love this record. Jenny Lewis’ voice shines, and the musical path the record takes you down is unexpected and diverse. Though I didn’t enjoy Lewis’ solo record, Rabbit Fur Coat, this was right up my alley. Best Tracks: ‘Dreamworld,’ ‘Under the Blacklight’ and ‘Silver Lining’

3. Arcade Fire- Neon Bible- Arcade Fire is probably the most credible new band out there. This sophomore record is a gem, it’s hard for me to believe that there are two records I liked or listened to more than this one. From the opening chords of ‘Black Mirror’ to the sorrowful end of ‘My Body Is A Cage’ no band unexpectedly captured the imagination of listeners more than Arcade Fire. The music they make is at once breathtaking, beautiful and epic. It’s hard not to feel apart of something bigger when you are listening to Arcade Fire. The range of instruments, the depth of the lyrics and the richness in the voices are something that other bands simply don’t have. I can’t wait for their next release. Best Tracks: ‘Windowsill,’ ‘(Antichrist Television Blues)’ and ‘Black Wave/Bad Vibrations’

2. Radiohead- In Rainbows- Probably the most talked about album of 2007. Radiohead truly kept true to their legacy and did something astounding and unbelievable, giving this album away for whatever you were willing to pay. They’ve (assumedly) gained legions of fans, increased their credibility with rock journalists and validated many people’s belief that there is no band that is more important today. More importantly than all of that, this record, unbelievably, lived up to the incredible 10-day hype that was created when Radiohead, on their blog, stated that their new record would be coming out in 10 days. Combining the best elements of The Bends, OK Computer and Kid A, In Rainbows is the album Radiohead fans have been waiting for. To try and live up to their hype must be nervewracking, to actually attain and exceed expectations myst be incredible. Best Tracks: ‘Nude,’ ‘All I Need’ and ‘Faust Arp’

1. Bright Eyes- Cassadaga- This album is the home of not only my favorite song of the year, ‘Make a Plan to Love Me,’ but several other incredible tracks. Assisted by guest such as the girls of Eisley, Conor creates a remarkable collection of music that is sure to stand the test of time. After his previous dual release, fans probably wondered what direction Bright Eyes was going in, Conor answered that question, resolutely telling everyone that he will continue to explore through his lyrics and the music. As he grows, he doesn’t stop taking chances, which is one of the things that fans love most about Bright Eyes. There are a few missteps, but from the breathtaking opener, ‘Clairaudients (Kill Or Be Killed)’ to the heart wrenching ‘No One Would Riot For Less,’ Cassadaga is my favorite album of the year. Best Tracks: ‘Make a Plan to Love Me,’ Clairaudients (Kill or Be Killed)’ and ‘Four Winds’

Gentlemen: A Theoretical Analysis Regarding Why Steroids Matter More in Baseball than in Football

Many semi-savvy sports pundits have been talking for the last several days about why football fans don’t care as much about steroids as baseball fans, they particularly marvel at the fact that many of these carefree football fans are also, apparently, seething baseball fans.

One thing that seems to be missing from this argument, at least on ESPN, is the reaction of the fans (with the possible exception of 10 seconds spent on some online opinion poll). The fact is, they’d rather prognosticate how the fans feel than actually ask them, which is probably the right decision anyways.

The most common statement that I’ve heard used to explain away this disparity of care is that we expect our football players to be the ‘brute, do-anything-to-win’ archetypes, whereas baseball players are supposed to be ‘gentlemen.’ This insight, to me at least, comes off as hollow; however, the ease with which it can be explained and understood by the atypical sports fan probably has something to do with its prevalence.

I think the real reason that steroids matter more in baseball than in football is probably even easier to understand, but it’s harder to explain.

To understand the real reason, at least in my humble opinion, we first must understand how we can commonly define a ‘play.’ In both sports, the commencement of a play is decided arbitrarily by one of the players (in football, the QB calling ‘hike,’ in baseball, the pitcher throwing the pitch). In both sports, the end of a play is determined by the official (in football, the official blowing their whistle, in baseball the umpire calling time).

Now that we’ve homogenized the definition of a play, we have to look at two generic plays, one from each sport:

Football: 3rd and 5. 10 minutes left in the 3rd. Quarter; the Packers, down by 3, have the ball on the Oakland 20-yard line.

Baseball: Bottom of the 6th inning. Man on 2nd, 2 outs. Brewers are up 2 to 1 on the Mets.

In both of these hypothetical situations, there are a myriad of things that can occur involving every man on either field. However, here is where the variance of the sports reveals the true reason why steroids matter more in baseball.

Let’s say, Favre calls hike and throws a 20-yard out route to Jennings in the end zone, presumably, every player on the field can affect this one way or another. On offense, the line and running back (if this isn’t the 5 receiver formation) must hold to allow Favre the time to throw the ball. The other receivers must do a good job of baiting the DB’s to think that the play is to them so they don’t move off the receivers and try to offer help to the DB on Jennings. On defense, the line can try to sack Favre or flush him out of the pocket, giving him a bad angle on his throw, a good DB (most likely) a safety or a nickelback could disguise double coverage on Jennings and force Favre to checkdown to his next option, which may or may not result in success. The two linebackers (assuming this is a nickel defense situation) could drop into coverage or rush the passer, creating all kinds of havoc (although as far as I know, Oakland’s LBs suck). There is not a player on the field that doesn’t have to opportunity to make a difference, that’s 22 guys. Thanks to perfect execution, Favre hits Jennings in the end zone and the Packers go up by 4 after the PAT.

Now let’s talk about our baseball situation. When Sheets pitches the ball, the player will either swing or watch it go by. Before the play, hypothetically, everyone on the field has a chance to make a difference, that’s 11 guys. However, once Sheets pitches the ball, in reality, only 3 or 4 guys will really matter to this play. For example, if he flies out to right, the only people that made a difference during that play were Sheets (who threw the pitch), David Wright (who hit it) and Corey Hart (who caught it). That’s three guys. There is literally nothing that Rickie Weeks could have done during the actual play that would have made one bit of a difference, unless, say the ball bounces out of Hart’s glove and Weeks retrieves it, still though, once he throws it into whoever is now cutting off at second, even if we count the runner who now scored, that’s only six guys who made a difference in the outcome of the actual play. (For arguments sake, the catcher called the pitch, but nothing (no action or expenditure of motion) he did during the actual play made one bit of a difference.)

Now let’s add steroids to the fun, we’ll assume that in each sport, half of the players use, half don’t. In football, since every player matters on every play, essentially every football play all season has a relatively similar chance of being affected by someone on steroids, for arguments sake, in this case 50 %. If Derrick Burgess busts through the line on Chad Clifton (we’ll say Burgess uses and Clifton doesn’t) and sacks Farve, that outcome was 50% determined by steroids (Burgess’ decision to use or Clifton’ to not). Still, on that same play, let’s say Ryan Grant blocks a blitzing linebacker into Burgess giving Favre time to throw the TD anyways, if we are presuming 50% use, then Grant or the LB uses. So we’re still at 50%, and it’ll stay that way, no matter what, everyone matters on every play (somehow Randy Moss doesn’t understand this). Before the play 100% of the players on the field can possibly affect that plays outcome, during the play 100% of the guys matter.

In baseball on the other hand, let’s say the Sheets uses and so does Wright. Wright hits a home run, which means 100% of that play was affected by steroids. Let’s say one uses and the other doesn’t, now we’re at 50%, if both don’t it’s 0%. It’s that unpredictability, mixed with the fact that only 2 players were involved in the play, which makes users such a pariah in baseball. Before the play, 100% of the guys on the field can affect the play, during the play, well it's anyone's guess, if I guy strikes out looking, it's less than 10%.

In reality, baseball is the most individualized team sport that there is… This is the real reason why steroids matter more in baseball.

Of course, you won’t hear this theory on TV because it is too hard to explain and to understand something so basic seems like a forgone conclusion. I assure you that it doesn’t have anything to do with ‘gentlemen.’

But the only opinions I want to hear on this subject are from people like Brian Jordan, Deion Sanders (who I think is on NFL Network, which I don’t have) and Bo Jackson. I guarantee you these guys, who played both sports at the highest level, would offer you a explanation similar to the thesis of this essay.

The only reason that steroids matter more to baseball is the nature of the two games…

And the Streisand-fan vote goes to…

Hillary Clinton received a Presidential endorsement from respected political analyst, oops... I mean singer Barbara Streisand.

I don’t know why these showbiz-types assume they have ubiquitous influence over the general public. Instead of encouraging political discourse, they campaign. (The notable exception to this being Puff Daddy’s dismal ‘Vote or Die’ campaign. Diddy didn’t make good on his promise. Two-thirds of the country didn’t vote last time, and, last I recall, Diddy still hadn’t killed anyone).

But I think I understand why they do this, because, like myself, they assume that most of the general public are stupid, and in this specific case, they believe they are stupid enough to vote for whoever they favorite celeb tells them too.

Still, the fact that they Streisand vote will go to Hillary is probably about least surprising thing I’ve ever heard. This was a foregone conclusion. The fact that this was even announced seems somewhat redundant.

Interestingly enough though, even though Streisand supports Hillary, she is still giving money to several other Dem. nominees.

Which makes me wonder, will securing the vaunted Streisand endorsement actually be a boon for Hillary?

I really don’t think so, and here’s why. For as many people as there is out there who love Babs, just as many people (mostly husbands who have been dragged to her shows or movies) probably strongly dislike her. Her overall approval rating is probably somewhere north of Bush, but notably south of some of the more prominent, liberal-endorsing celebs.

I can see Barbara going up to John Edwards or Obama after they secure the nomination and saying something like, I still supported you, and my support of Hillary probably helped you. And maybe that’ll even be true. Wow, Barbara really knows how to cover all her bases.

Still, there are already enough good reasons not to vote for Hillary, but something Streisand said worried me. She said something about Clinton becoming ‘Madam President.’

I think that this is a glimpse into the future of the campaign. I really believe that if Clinton gets the nomination, part of her campaign will resolve squarely around the fact that she is a female. Which is probably THE most irrelevant thing about Hillary the candidate.

But again, through simplification, stupid people find clarity. I don’t know who I’m voting for you, I haven’t decided, but one things for sure, it won’t be based on what some washed up singer believes…

link: http://www.nytimes.com/aponline/arts/AP-Clinton-Streisand.html?_r=1&oref=slogin

No beer makes Mr. Mischler mad enough to kill... the family goat...

Maybe he thought his goat drank his beer...?

Peter Mischler, from Waupaca, Wis., returned from hunting yesterday and got mad at his daughter because she had let the pet goats out and they made a mess. His daughter was on the phone with his wife at the time, and, Mr. Mischler decided that now would probably be a good time to tell her to bring home a little beer.

His wife refused to bring the beer, sending Mischler on a rampage that ended in the shooting death of one of the beloved goats. Now, maybe Mischler was just upset that he didn’t get anything during hunting season (the article doesn’t say), however, it always seems like news like this from Wisconsin shows up, and more and more often, it seems to be coming from the Northern-most part of the state.

Now I’m not going to call the majority of northern Wisconsin hillbillies, but I don’t see how not getting some beer would make you want to kill your goats. Furthermore, Mischler didn’t even kill the goat, he just wounded it and a sheriff’s deputy had to do the honors.

I guess the Mischler’s won’t be having turkey for Thanksgiving…

link: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,312444,00.html

Why did Brown do this to me...?

Before recently, I never really thought about UPS. Of course, occasionally I’d see their brown box truck on the road or pulling up to my place of employment. A childhood friend’s father worked for the company, as did several of my friends in college. Still, I never used UPS to send anything and don’t recall ever receiving anything delivered by them either.

I also don’t ever remember seeing any of their ads. That is until recently.

Recently, UPS unveiled their ‘Whiteboard’ campaign (complete with its’ own website: www.whiteboard.ups.com).

This comprehensive marketing campaign is targeted at small business owners. Offering insights on how UPS can help them troubleshoot and fix problems in relation to shipping.

The ads are, to be fair, original. Which is just about the only good thing that can be said about them.

Most of the blame for this falls squarely on the shoulders of Andy Azula (AKA “The Whiteboard Jerk”), marketing director for The Martin Agency.

The Martin Agency developed the Whiteboard campaign and screen tested many actors to play the ‘Whiteboard guy.’ Azula often demonstrated or fed lines to the actors and it became apparent there was only one mook who was smarmy enough to play The Whiteboard Guy… it was Azula himself.

I’ve dubbed him The Whiteboard Jerk (I’ve given him a much less pleasant moniker, however, he’ll be know as The Jerk here). Azula’s long, greasy brown locks are where the problems begin. I understand that he is trying to look like an intellectual college professor, but unless there is a degree in shipping at some college (maybe at The University of Portland State (or UPS, get it?)) I’d rather not take my shipping advice from some pseudo-intellectual jerk. The Whiteboard Jerk also rocks a professor-ish sweater or collard shirt that screams sycophant.

The brown-noser draws on a whiteboard all of the ways that UPS can meet your small business shipping needs (with The Postal Service’s ‘Such Great Heights,’ a song I actually like, playing in the background, how unfortunate), and get this, he uses a brown maker. I can think of something brown that this campaign reminds me of, but it’s not a marker.

Perhaps the most annoying part of the commercial though, is when the Whiteboard Jerk adds a little flair with a fun comment at the end of every spot augmented by a fun, final drawing on the whiteboard.

If the goal of this spot was to make you want to rearrange Mr. Azula’s facial features, sans surgery, it’s a fabulous success, but personally I can’t pay any attention to finding out what brown can do for me, because I am stabbing myself in the eyes and ears.

Apparently I’m not the only one who finds this campaign annoying, you can go to YouTube and type in “Whiteboard guy” and all sorts of spoofs (some good, some bad) come up.

The Whiteboard Jerk may be the most annoying person on TV (especially since Rosie O’Donnell isn’t on anymore). One thing is for sure, the next time I have to ship a package, I’m using FedEx, and the next time a UPS truck is behind me, I'll be sure to drive extra slow...

Iraq, OCB and when 'free' backfires...

Once upon a time, I was employed at an athletic club. Every morning, there was a water exercise class that would be attended by anywhere from 18-25 long-in-the-tooth individuals (median age… maybe 70). They paid special membership rates to take two of these classes a week, either Monday and Wednesday or Tuesday and Thursday.

A long time before I started, a Friday class was also added under the guise of being available to people who had missed one of their regularly scheduled weekday classes. However, this Friday class was mainly attended by members of the Monday/Wednesday class who hadn’t missed any of their weekly classes, essentially, they just regarded it as part of their schedule.

I would admit that it is entirely plausible that some of these people had no idea that they were benefiting from something that they had not paid for and were, technically, getting for free. Upon my sleuth-like discovery of this conundrum, I passed the information along to the person in charge of that department, who, in as many words, told me not to worry about it, that’s how it has always been and it can’t be changed now.

That’s all well and good, except it didn’t jive with my virtuous side, and the person who told me it had a propensity to be lazy and dislike confrontation, which I knew was the real reason for her answer. So I passed the information on to the owner, who called for an end to the Friday class at once, and enlisted the curmudgeon-like, lazy fitness trainer who told me this wasn’t a problem to explain the situation to the class.

Now think for a second… what do you think happened?

A) The classmates got together and continued to run the Friday class by themselves in the pool, sans teacher.
B) The classmates just stopped coming on Friday and wrote a nice ‘thank you’ note to the owner for allowing the class to take place.
C) The classmates signed a petition stating that they would like the class back and would be willing to negotiate the terms of its return.
D) The classmates raised holy hell, including, but not limited to threatening to quit the athletic club and not coming to the annual Senior thanksgiving party.

If you guessed D; you would be correct, people are never grateful for what they receive with out asking for. And all of this has got me thinking about Iraq.

We’ve been in Iraq for more than 5 years now. We’ve tried to quell the sectarian violence, keep our own people safe and rebuild the infrastructure of the fledgling nation. Yet, we’ve been met with dissent and opposition here in America, in Iraq and around the world.

Iraq never asked, at least formally, to be liberated from under the rule of Saddam Hussein, however, it was arguably the right thing to do from a human rights standpoint. What seems to ruffle so many feathers is the fact that we went into Iraq under the semblance of finding WMDs (which apparently don’t exist or made exit, stage right, to Syria or Iran).

But, Iraq (through violence) and the rest of the world (including the American left (through dissent)) have become the same as those little old grandmas and grandpas who were just irate that they weren’t getting their Friday time in the pool anymore (what they wanted, us to leave Iraq or do things differently). The American right (and other supporters of our efforts in Iraq) has been like the lazy athletic director, who is too gun shy and too lazy to try a different approach to fix a problem that has gone on the way it has for much too long.

But in this case, there is no self-interested, motivated leader (like the athletic club owner) with the power to make final decisions that (although may upset some people) would put this war on the path to being effectively ended for the betterment of the Middle East, America and the world.

Neo-conservatives and hippies should all be able to agree on, at least, the fact that this war has already cost us too much financially, and more importantly, in loss of life (although the loss of life is nowhere near the levels of Vietnam, even though some pundits and talking heads would like you to believe that this is Vietnam II).

Right now, the United States House is trying to pass a war-funding bill that is (again) tied to withdrawal from Iraq. But these unilateral declarations that the left wants to make aren’t reasonable, and they don’t allow for important wiggle room that would keep the insurgents on their toes. I mean, lets say I am a Sunni, why kill a bunch of American soldiers with a suicide bomb, when I could, hypothetically, wait until the Americans leave, kill a bunch of Shiites and try to have my people assume power of the country.

One thing America obviously didn’t appear to understand before entering Iraq is the level of hatred between those two groups. This is probably, honestly, America’s biggest, and most inexcusable, gaff in relation to the Iraq war. Before you go to war and take over a country that obviously won’t put up too much resistance, you should know everything there is to know about that country. Not doing that would be like going to the human society and just telling them to bring out whatever dog they see first to take home to your two children under 5. The human society would probably just give you the least desirable dog (or the one that was hardest to get rid of). No one smart would operate this way.

Which brings me to my idea, and also something that would have worked in retrospect at my old job.

Now let’s say that there was someone who had picked up on this discrepancy at my old job way earlier than I did. Let’s say that instead of just deciding to (in some people’s opinions) tactlessly drop that class, they decided to find a way to properly convey that the benevolent owner is offering them this class free of charge. And, let’s say that they are reminded of this on a continual basis, maybe by the teacher when the class begins. Then, instead of feeling angry when this free class stopped being offered, they would just feel like they had saved a lot of money while it was going on (old people love to save money, that’s kind of what they do). Of course, there would still probably be a couple octogenarians who would get their Depends in a bundle, but consensus is never reflected by the most radical reactions. Most of the people probably would have just started spending their Friday mornings at the Old Country Buffet instead.

But what is OCB in Iraq?

Goodwill has never, it appears, been something that has been showered on Americans in Iraq (by anyone, but mostly by Iraqis), with the possible exception of Sean Penn (the blowhard actor). They think we aren’t doing anything constructive, and maybe we are and maybe we aren’t. Truth is, we probably don’t really know...

Let’s say you are a parent and you have a child. You want him to learn to ride his bike; to begin you get a tricycle. Then they graduate to a bike with training wheels. Then the wheels come off and you help them balance as they ride slowly, with your balancing assistance. Then you let them go…

Sometimes they stay up, sometimes they fall. If they stay up, they may never require or ask for you help again, if they fall, well that’s another story entirely.

But let us assume that Iraq is that child, a kicking, screaming ball of suicide bombers and roadside bombs. Well maybe you don’t wait anymore for the kid to balance, maybe you just let him go and see what the hell happens.

If nothing else, when he falls, the kid will appreciate your assistance more, and if he rides off into the sunset, well that’s a totally unexpected situation that will probably still require vigilance and a close eye kept on the country and those who assume leadership roles within, however, this sustained loss of life could, perhaps, be stopped for the time being. If he falls, we could swoop back in with more of an idea about why things didn’t work out, and all of the talk from the right about how they aren’t ready to stand on their own would be validated in more than a hypothetical sense.

I’d say it would take 2 weeks for things to get totally out of control, then we could go back in, knowing that our occupation there is required, as opposed to just assuming it is, when no practical litmus test has been applied.

Would Iraq be better off without America? I doubt it. Would it become a breeding ground for terrorists? Who knows, we’d have to keep a close eye on that. Is what we are doing now working in any discernible way? It doesn’t seem like it.

It’s time for a new plan in Iraq. Let’s take the wheels off and let’s send the old ladies to Old Country Buffet.

I wonder where the honeymoon will be? Petworld?

A man from India has married a dog to atone for viciously murdering several dogs 15 years earlier. After the murders, bad luck befell the man and a theologian told him that the only way to stop the bad luck in by marrying a canine.

No one can say if it was love at first sight, but the man married a stray in a religious ceremony. They always say a dog is mans’ best friend. I guess this guy is just taking it to the next level.

Still, I must say that this relationship seems like it’ll be totally one-sided. Assuming the dog isn’t an actor like Lassie or Air Bud, I would assume the primary financial burden falls on the man. The dog, most likely, can’t do any household chores, except for maybe cleaning the dishes with its tongue, which I can’t assume is too sanitary. Plus, this man will always be trying to be good to the dog as atonement for his murder of the other dogs, however, the dog will have no real reason to treat his partner any better than normal.

Maybe this man is looking at this as a prison sentence, I don’t know how old a dog has to be to marry in India, I’m assuming at least 3, but the dogs life expectancy after living in the wild can’t be more than 10/11 more years. He’ll be around 40 at that time, and maybe the man can then find a non-canine partner to share the rest of his life with.

I have one final question, he married a female dog, but if he married a male dog, would that make him gay? Does the dogs sex make a difference in this situation, I can’t imagine it would, I mean we can only hope that this man/dog relationship will be completely plutonic. Everyone knows male dogs are more fun, I’m just saying…

One thing is for sure, this will be the only man on the planet who’ll be able to call his wife a ‘bitch’ and get away with it…

Go here to read the story: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21768663/

Move over 'Man Lands On the Moon'...

...because here is a headline (and story) that is sure to "shock" and also, "awe".

From foxnews.com (http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,309505,00.html):

Drunk and Out of Control on Facebook

As if the hangover weren't bad enough, thousands of young women have the added humiliation of millions seeing their wasted debauchery on Facebook.

A user group entitled "30 Reasons Girls Should Call It a Night" has posted more than 4,800 photos of blotto gals on the town, over the toilet and in the bar, often with their panties showing and their faces three sheets to the wind.

Named for the tongue-in-cheek list of reasons it might be time to put down the cocktail and go home ("No. 27. One minute you're strutting your stuff, the next minute you're rolling on the ground and you can't seem to remember the transition"), the Facebook group claims more than 160,000 members.

...convinetly, MySpace.com isn't mention in this article from Fox about women putting drunk pictures of themselves up on facebook (MySpace is owned by Fox), that evil media magnet Rupert Murdoch is trying to take down facebook once and for all, this is his warning shot.

This is just more proof that today's media isn't catering stories to our generation, this "news" would be met with a collective sigh by anyone who does have a facebook profile or frequents the site.

Furthermore, I found several things about this article interesting, first; the title, facebook just exaserbates drunk photos, it doesn't cause them, these people aren't 'drunk' or 'out of control' while they are surfing facebook (I would assume). Second, what does a face that is "three sheets to the wind" look like (photo essay of drunk facebook photos; thanks Fox: (http://www.foxnews.com/photoessay/0,4644,2621,00.html))? I knew people could be three sheets to the wind, but faces?

Getting drunk and being stupid has always been part of young adulthood, get over it, this is not news...

Giggidy-giggidy, Little Quagmires, have I got a product for you…

In what has become an all-too-common reoccurrence, more toys from China have been recalled just in time for Christmas. This time it wasn’t because of lead, but a chemical coating on the toys.

Aqua Dots, or Bindeez in Australia, where the toxicity of the toy was determined, are beads that fuse together when water is sprayed on them. It was named toy of the year in Australia.

The side effect of that chemical reaction is GHB, the so-called ‘date rape’ drug.

Why do I find this story somewhat humorous? Because the news media works backwards, GHB is a side effect of this reaction of the water to the Aqua Dots, but GHB wasn’t developed as a ‘date rape’ drug, it just causes symptoms that lead to date rape. It was actually developed as a rave drug, but can cause symptoms as aggressive as coma and death in people who overdose (This all sounds pretty scary to me).

Would the story be fundamentally different if they more aptly titled it; ‘Toy causes reaction linked to Rave Drug’? No it wouldn’t, but let me ask you which is scarier, ‘date rape’ or ‘rave’? Today, accuracy matters less than readership.

The story is already alarming enough; nonetheless, the media must blow it totally out of proportion. Aqua Dots are developed for ages 4+, somehow I can’t imagine some 6 year-old trying to date rape his classmate in kindergarten (or whatever grade 6 year olds are in).

This is just another case of the media trying to make something easier to understand, but in essence, those intentions, good or bad, result in fear mongering. I can just imagine parents reading “child” and “date-rape” in the same sentence and having a meltdown. But what children go on dates? And does the media just assume everyone knows what the date rape drug is and what its symptoms can be (The article here doesn’t mention this until the seventh paragraph, I realize this is a miniscule sampling, but I’ve read enough news to know its pretty typical for the mainstream media)?

Regardless, none of this is going to stop us (or Australia) from importing these cheap Chinese products. And more than anything else, I feel sad for future generations, for my kids…

They’ll never be able to eat their Play-doh in peace.

Article from MSNBC: (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21678196/)

A Cool New Way to Catch a Wave...?

When I first heard the term “water-boarding,” I thought it sounded like a cool new way to catch a wave that I’d never attempt. Turns out that it’s a highly polarizing, information-extracting technique that, according to Attorney General hopeful, Michael Mukasey, is “not torture.”

Hmm… Mike, that’s an interesting assertion, considering that water-boarding is tying someone to a table and then covering their mouth with a towel and pouring water on their face, giving the water-board-ee the sensation of drowning. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-GcXl1y_mQw)

In reality, water-boarding is torture, a fact agreed upon by most Americans. We know this thanks to the helpful CNN poll (http://www.cnn.com/2007/POLITICS/11/06/waterboard.poll/?iref=mpstoryview).

This gets me thinking about the problems that America has, and what I consider the biggest one, a vast majority of the populace is stupid. Bear with me here, but I am going to blame this, at least partly, on the government (I also want to place a lot of the blame on MTV, but that might just be personal bias against crappy music).

The problem begins with Mukasey’s denial that this is torture. And this is on purpose, instead of having an enlightened populace debate the validity of this practice, we have idiots trying to debate something obvious, the definition of torture. Of course this is torture, that’s kind of the point. We want information that you have; we torture you to get it.

This distracts from the real argument, which is, should we employ this methodology to get the information we want?

This also leads to conservatives making an idiotic case that this isn’t torture, in effort to sway all the idiots in the middle and leads liberals to oversimplify a very complex issue to try to get the middle in their favor.

No one is telling the truth, everyone is just lying and oversimplifying to get all of the idiots that don’t understand the complexities of this issue to come over to their side. I got to believe Mukasey has a hard time sleeping at night.

None of this draws us closer to any kind of conclusion on the issue, it just leads to convoluted debates about things that are obvious, which doesn’t lead us to change in any meaningful way.

Which is I guess the role the government has given themselves, nothing gets done until it is covered in whiteout, rewritten and vetoed thousands of times, and by then, the populace has already had dozens of other meaningless debates and has already forgotten about the issue at hand; which is the lengths the government should go to in effort to extract information from enemy combatants.

As for me, I favor whatever means are neccessary to keep this country safe, however, the government is losing my trust in regards to whether or not they have the capability to objectivly determine when to employ this technique. Water-boarding doesn't kill, I'm sure it's very unpleasent, however, terrorists will kill you, they'll take pleasure in it. If it takes a little water to stop something like that from happening to me or someone I care about, so be it.

I just hope they're using Evian.

More info: (http://people.howstuffworks.com/water-boarding.htm)